The Cheshire Smile of Happiness
April 23, 2024
“Ok honey, today we will talking about sex. You’ve probably already heard about it from those nasty kids at school, but there are some things you should know. You’ve probably noticed that your body is changing …”
That’s how many people remember their first Talk, the sex talk, where a middle-aged parent attempts to edify a pre-adolescent on procreation particulars, a discussion which may also involve menstruation, fidelity, and gonad growth. That’s quite a bit of ground to cover, and what most people remember about their own first talk about the birds and bees is that they learned very little about sex. Still, it was a memorable part of a transition into adulthood.
Almost as dreaded is the senior talk, where an adult child must now “convince” their elderly parent that it’s time to leave the old family home.
Popular Google Search Topic
A modern measure of the anxiety the senior talk incites is its incidence in Google searches1. There are plenty of articles out there about The Talk, per se.2 They range from checklists to discussions of memory loss and hoarding. We tried it, and “How Can I Convince My Stubborn Father to Move Into A Nursing Home?” produced 745,000 results in 0.38 seconds.3
After digging through a sample of the articles4, we noticed rational topics – like health and money – covered about 20% of the concerns and a vast sea of worry coming from various associated psychological traumas.5
Health, Money and Suppressed Emotional Horror
The senior Talk is often precipitated by an acute health event which created a sense of primal urgency, further handicapping reason in an already emotional situation. One of the most common health mishaps is a fall. Sometimes the blame for a fall is pinned on the human, referencing frail joints, balance issues, or bone loss. But the physical surroundings may be even more culpable. Most old family homes have a lot of steps, and they are often not easily accessible to appropriate medical facilities.
Money issues also require attention. Unlike health issues which expand with age, financial issues tend to contract as income sources stabilize, cash needs are reduced, and savings are methodically harvested. Even the act of spending money can seem unnatural after a lifetime of socking it away. It’s hard to remember that this is what savings were for.
Emotions frequently overpower all other considerations, screaming for attention. If Mom played favorites or potty training didn’t go just right, the fallout from such foibles may reemerge. And the grim reaper of mortality silently oversees everything, its lurking presence making topics like money and health seem like warmup questions on the SAT.
Dealing with these emotions to everyone’s satisfaction can take years of therapy, and not all family members will have the patience. Even more, the elder may not live long enough to untwist every hurt feeling. To move things along, it helps if everyone can at least agree on two facts:
- Grandma and/or grandpa won’t be raising any more kids.
- Maintaining unused space wastes money, energy, and time better devoted to joy.
Talks, not The Talk
If you’re lucky, a crisis hasn’t forced you into immediate action, and you have some time to work through some issues, but even with time, this is a toughie. Regardless of the preparation, you can’t expect all issues to be resolved in a single, seminal talk, even with a superbly skilled facilitator. It will take time for things to sink in. Think of the Talk as a first talk in a series of discussions, not a master stroke.
Uncovering important concerns of those substantively affected is key, and not every discussion will be peaches and cream. It’s hard to stay on track when someone wants their grievance dealt with at all costs, especially when their acquiescence isn’t vital for progress. Alternatively, an important person may be afraid to talk.
Think of these conversations as steps on a journey, not the final destination. Drive toward a mutual appreciation for a problem, consideration of alternatives, and a shared understanding of some good – not always perfect — approaches for moving the situation forward. Try not to be presumptive, skipping steps and lunging at a conclusion.
NOT THE RECOMMENDED APPROACH
This place is too dangerous. You must move to a nursing home, today.
Consider working through background issues and suggesting intermediate steps in a series of interactive discussions where care is expressed throughout.
A BETTER LINE OF DISCUSSION
You are our elder, an important part of the family. Without you we wouldn’t be here, and we need the family to prosper together … Those steps downstairs are treacherous, and we’d hate for you to take a fall … We want you to stay healthy and be with us for a long time … Sure, a new condo is an option, but if we don’t want to do that, we can put up a better railing, or maybe move the TV into the living room so you don’t have to watch it in the basement…
These discussions will probably take some time, so you may need to break them up into pieces, making progress as you go.
The Old Family Home
Be prepared for some surprise outcomes. Consider the topic of the old family home, a place of where childhood memories were formed, and families feasted on Thanksgiving turkey. For many parents being able to put the money together to buy the home and then be a respectable member of the neighborhood was a huge accomplishment. The kids could sense it and assumed staying in the house is critical.
Some parents do want to hang on to the old haunt, but if moving is the right decision, it won’t be the most difficult thing life has doled out to them. They’ve seen a lot. They may want to hang on to the place for a few more years, but it’s usually more about independence than the house itself.
Often the kids are the ones who really want to keep the old home. They want that quick hit of nostalgia that comes from an afternoon visit where they see everything as they remember it. They also like having a free place to store all their old stuff. Sometimes the parents are ready to move. They just want to move to a good place.
Every family has their own situation, and sorting it out can be tricky, because often we don’t even know where our own thoughts come from.
At their best, the talks are a two-way discovery of what’s what made you all a family … and maybe what made you a person as well. Keep an open ear.
Convincing Discussion was the first of our series about The Talk, a common touchpoint in the rites of senior passage for families with elders. Convincing Discussion focused on the talk itself with future articles addressing interesting specific issues different families have dealt with.
About Operation Relo
Operation Relo provides a comprehensive downsizing services for families with elders. Senior support services include preparing older homes for sale; moving & shipping; and redistributing household possessions through cyberselling, estate sales, storage, donations, and disposal. Whatever it takes. Find us at OperationRelo.com, (877) 678 – 7356 (RELO), and [email protected].
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1 What to Do When Elderly Parent Refuses Assisted Living and Caregiving Services. Feb 12, 2024 https://www.seniorliving.org/caregiving/elderly-refuses-assisted-living/
2 What to Do When Elderly Parents Refuse Help: 10 Useful Tips and Strategies. October 21, 2023. Nirali Desai. https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/parents-wont-listen
3 Convincing a Loved One to Go to a Nursing Home, Marley, Marie. 2024. https://caregiver.com/articles/convincing-nursing-home/#google_vignette
4 How to Convince a Parent To Go To Assisted Living: Best Practices, https://unlimitedcarecottages.com/blog/assisted-living/how-convince-parent-go-to-assisted-living/
5 How to Move a Parent With Dementia to Assisted Living. https://seniorservicesofamerica.com/blog/how-to-move-a-parent-with-dementia-to-assisted-living/
